Zech's Blog

So, I'll tell you today something I don't talk about generally. I see myself as somewhat of a soul that's addicted to heroin, or what I think I understand of one. I've thought that I had understanded love completely before. Love to me was devoted to one, and to achieve full devotion you had to learn to appreciate that person for every flaw and kind thing that they are or were, in a wholesome way and be reminded of it every so often in order to constantly be interested in a person. But one day I thought, 'Wow, it's so naturally eaasy to be interested in this person. I think I'm in love.' Then that person ended things with me because they got the feeling their lesser love of me couldn't ammount to what I felt for them and they didn't want to be in that much of an unballanced relationship.
I heard that the break was in order from a friend, and sent a message telling them I know what's about to happen but I love you. They said I won't hurt you, I love you but not as much as you do me, and it was done. Weeks later I get hints that this idol might want me back, not from them personally, because the words that were in order didn't fit the things that would be said by their personality. But nun the less these rumers and signs existed. I payed them a visit on my walk home one day, and we sat on the porch. We didn't talk as much as usual, but as I was turning to leave, and my whole thought was opened the door to walk in, she looked on for a long second and looked down and towards the house, and I understood what needed to happen then. I said 'Wait, come back.' I wanted to do this as delicately as possible, so I asked if it was okay if I kissed her. She made it totally my choice, was I going to guess it was okay and risk indesency to kiss her? Or was it not worth the chance. That was the first day we kissed, and the thought of it makes me smile even though the smile hurts in some deep area of my being.
We'd ly together, sit together, walk holding hands, or not sometimes. Especially if we were nervous or excited. We were compeditive mentally, but with the underlying knowledge that neither one of us would ever win against the other, but not being able to admit it in humor. We were those two for about a year altogether, and it's been several years sense that's been gone. After the second end, I was still foolish and I didn't understand love. I acted immature and jealous, and from then on I made her uncomfurtable with the thought of me, enough to not want to see or talk with me. I only realized what love was one day where I was laying where we would ly together alone in the grass, and I looked up at what I used to look up at, and I looked to my left, where I normally looked to admire her head so close to mine, and I could feel my heart launch faster and faster until it hurt, and my head hurt, and my whole body felt so painful in the thought that this could only bring me happyness in the past, and will never happen again. It makes me fight for my breath and struggle to calm my mind down.
She's going away to college now, and I can't help but think without divine intervention there can be anything fixed by the time she moves to school. The one that hasn't been apsent from my thoughts for more than a single day for several years that has felt like longer than any set of years I've been a part of in my life.
I don't know if I'm distraught over the fact that she's wants nothing to do with me or the pathetic fact that I'll be so upset that she isn't as close to me geographically anymore. I have dreams so frequently that she doesn't dislike the thought of me, and we're JUST friends, and even though that's not the same it's the happiest I've felt possibly in my life. I can't explain how happy it is, and when I wake up and realize it's a dream, I can't embrace the day.
I'm ashamed to say that this ruin of good things in my life is what I want. It's what is always somewhere in my thoughts, and it's so apparent that hope is not part of this.