So, I'll tell you today something I don't talk about generally. I see myself as somewhat of a soul that's addicted to heroin, or what I think I understand of one. I've thought that I had understanded love completely before. Love to me was devoted to one, and to achieve full devotion you had to learn to appreciate that person for every flaw and kind thing that they are or were, in a wholesome way and be reminded of it every so often in order to constantly be interested in a person. But one day I thought, 'Wow, it's so naturally eaasy to be interested in this person. I think I'm in love.' Then that person ended things with me because they got the feeling their lesser love of me couldn't ammount to what I felt for them and they didn't want to be in that much of an unballanced relationship.
I heard that the break was in order from a friend, and sent a message telling them I know what's about to happen but I love you. They said I won't hurt you, I love you but not as much as you do me, and it was done. Weeks later I get hints that this idol might want me back, not from them personally, because the words that were in order didn't fit the things that would be said by their personality. But nun the less these rumers and signs existed. I payed them a visit on my walk home one day, and we sat on the porch. We didn't talk as much as usual, but as I was turning to leave, and my whole thought was opened the door to walk in, she looked on for a long second and looked down and towards the house, and I understood what needed to happen then. I said 'Wait, come back.' I wanted to do this as delicately as possible, so I asked if it was okay if I kissed her. She made it totally my choice, was I going to guess it was okay and risk indesency to kiss her? Or was it not worth the chance. That was the first day we kissed, and the thought of it makes me smile even though the smile hurts in some deep area of my being.
We'd ly together, sit together, walk holding hands, or not sometimes. Especially if we were nervous or excited. We were compeditive mentally, but with the underlying knowledge that neither one of us would ever win against the other, but not being able to admit it in humor. We were those two for about a year altogether, and it's been several years sense that's been gone. After the second end, I was still foolish and I didn't understand love. I acted immature and jealous, and from then on I made her uncomfurtable with the thought of me, enough to not want to see or talk with me. I only realized what love was one day where I was laying where we would ly together alone in the grass, and I looked up at what I used to look up at, and I looked to my left, where I normally looked to admire her head so close to mine, and I could feel my heart launch faster and faster until it hurt, and my head hurt, and my whole body felt so painful in the thought that this could only bring me happyness in the past, and will never happen again. It makes me fight for my breath and struggle to calm my mind down.
She's going away to college now, and I can't help but think without divine intervention there can be anything fixed by the time she moves to school. The one that hasn't been apsent from my thoughts for more than a single day for several years that has felt like longer than any set of years I've been a part of in my life.
I don't know if I'm distraught over the fact that she's wants nothing to do with me or the pathetic fact that I'll be so upset that she isn't as close to me geographically anymore. I have dreams so frequently that she doesn't dislike the thought of me, and we're JUST friends, and even though that's not the same it's the happiest I've felt possibly in my life. I can't explain how happy it is, and when I wake up and realize it's a dream, I can't embrace the day.
I'm ashamed to say that this ruin of good things in my life is what I want. It's what is always somewhere in my thoughts, and it's so apparent that hope is not part of this.
Whenever I look at a large building, one of the first things I notice is; This building is semetrical, or this building isn't semetrical at all. Naturally I've felt more comfertable looking at any type of item, from examples like buildings to a food containers. This might be a personal thing, but it got me thinking. Looking back on old architecture for castles, piramids, colloseums, palaces, and modern builds like sky scapers, and the white house. The shape is usually symetrical. Where they trying to send a message there?
I realize of course that there are stronger reasons than just looks of why you would build a structure with symetry, BUT I now am starting to believe there is something unnaturally grand about it. I walked past a street today and noticed that the tree's were fairly matching on both sides of the side walks giving it a... wholesome(?) look. Then the hypothesis came to my mind: Symetry in our mind, subconciously links with divinity or grandure. I may be wrong, or it might be a personal thing, but it did make sense to me. The ideas of:
'This side equals the other, two halves make a whole', being whole, being fair, matching the example, having a purpose, all seem to me like connecting subconcious feels.
*ABRUPT ENDING* (!)
So, if you've read my previous entries, which you haven't cause nobody reads these most likely, I wrote my concern about my belief in God, and how there are so many bad things that He has created. But at this point in my life I've come to an understanding that, there could be no great, beautiful, amazing thing without every wrong thing that exists. Without wrong, we would never define right, and with minimal wrong we would have lessened right.
Everything that exists and every personality that you might look up to, is actually a product of who He is. And I love to think about that now because I used to fear to do things now that could end up horrible later or maybe I'll just change my mind and be stuck somehow. It's liberating to know that whatever happens will lead to purpose, and I don't think I'm as cowardous as I was in ever sense. It's severely depressing being told to love a God that you think doesn't care about anyone but himself. So, just the knowledge that everything we know and admire, and the point we are in our life, and where we will be later on in life, is a product of both the good and bad that has been made, and if those things did not exist, we would be so much more confused about shit than we already are.
And along that line, I'm not darkened by death or past fuck up's now because I know that everything wrong in my life had to happen to put me where I am now, and more shit has to happen to put me where I need to be later. Just thought I'd share that, and hopefully brighten up your thoughts.
Im writing in a response to Aristotle's view about the body and soul. I can see why he would speculate the soul would seece to exist with out the human body or 'Sustance'. But my addition to that thought is that: I would dissagree with that statement on the truth, that souls exist. If something so complex as a soul exists, then who are we to know or assume they would, as a law of reality be only capable of living in a physical make-up?
Odviously the laws of spiritual matters can be delt in much different ways than we can understand from reference in our own earthly lives. To assume the same laws apply in physical and mental reality systems God lets us perceive is not a correct thought at all. If Aristotle had any belief of a higher power, how could he assume that a soul made by this higher power would be limited to matter. Which leads to the quesetion did Aristotle not believe in an all-powefull god?
I think the moral that should be recognized here is to not confuse brilliance, for correctness. Throughout all of history people have had a problem with following the false words of a man or women that has said so many brilliant things. Take what you know is true out of your references, but never be so trusting in one are that you accept everything that comes from it.
Until a better day, my love:
Not involving our earth, or it's natural purpose to decay.
Our only chance is to demean it's wrong in our thoughts,
So to not speed along the already set and sure motion, of a hopeless and hapless end.
Until a sweeter day, after you and I retire.
I am now at an inspired place, an inspired point in time.
My pencil flows through not just my hand, but through my surroundings.
Something dangerous stimulates my sight and brings light & life to thoughtless lead.
The paralysis my hands eagerly donates to the experience drives this pencil's borrowed thoughts, a purpose.
Obsticals are meant to be overcome, therefore this note is a testimony for all three of us.
This song of no melody is perceverence.
